Moments Like These
by Miuda22
Summary: Sam has another hit to the head, he starts having nightmares, reliving traumatising events in his life. Moments involving all Sam's greatest hits. With each nightmare, he and Dean talk through these moments that both had tried hard to forget. When Dean suggests confronting the stars of these nightmares and they start talking back, will this finally help Sam to forgive himself...
1. Chapter 1

Moments Like These

Description

Sam has another hit to the head, he starts having nightmares, reliving traumatising events in his life. Moments involving Dean, Jessica and Bobby, all Sam's greatest hits. With each nightmare, he and Dean talk through these moments that both had tried hard to forget. When Dean suggests confronting the stars of these nightmares and they start talking back, will this finally help Sam to forgive himself and his past or will he be lost to his nightmares.

Chapter 1 – The Last Straw

Dean feels like he is in molasses as he watched his brother crumble to the ground. The monster they were hunting, stands over him with a large rock clutched in his hand, now covered with his little brothers blood. He starts moving and everything is in slow motion, he raises his gun and fires twice into the monsters head, he watches the bullets moving towards the monster and for a second he thinks they will miss but when the world finally catches up and starts moving again, the bullets hit the creature right between the eyes and it falls to the ground with a thump. "Sammy!" he yells as he runs toward his fallen brother, worry making his stomach turn, his head replaying the hit to his little brothers head on a loop.

His brother hadn't moved since he fell, like a puppet with its wires cut. Blood was slowly trickling from a large gash in his brother head. His long hair matted and sticking to his head. "Shit Sammy…" Dean muttered as he looked his brother over, memories of Sam, his wall coming down, writhing in pain and memories of over a hundred years in hell. Seeing nothing externally wrong with his brother, he pats Sam on the cheek to try and wake him as gently as he can.

"Sam… wake up for me" he said softly, knowing Sam was probably going to have a monster head ache and blurry vision. "Come on Sammy… open your eyes" he says again. With no response, Dean pats his face but when his brother only moans in response, he sighs knowingly, it's going to be up to him to get them both out of there.

Dean pulls his brother onto his feet, his arm over his shoulder and slowly makes the long journey back to the Impala. Of course the monster of the week had to be living out in a forest, which so far away from civilisation that there was no cell service and that the hike in, was arduous but the trek back, with an injured little brother was going to be a total crap fest. His only thought was of the hour long hot shower he would demand and six pack of beer he would polish off, that kept him going. The sun was setting by the time he leant his still barley conscious brother against the gleaming black car they called home. He opened the passenger side door and poured Sam into his usual seat. He ran around to the driver's side and had the car moving in a second.

He was suddenly pulling into their motel, what felt like minutes later but was in fact 2 hours. He dragged Sam, who was now awake, blinking sluggishly, into the room, onto the bed furthest from the door. When Sam was finally sleeping restlessly, now in his soft sleeping pants and a faded Stanford t-shit. Dean took a moment to breath and gratefully acknowledge that neither of them had been fatally injured. Sam had inevitably been hurt, another head injury which was still something that Dean feared, still had nightmares about.

Sam had his soul returned to his for months now but they were still walking on egg shells with each other. Both still wary, clingy and dependant on each-others presence. Dean had a panic attack whenever he saw Sam sleeping he would put a hand to his chest to feel the slow rise and fall of his breathing. Sam worried himself sick and worried that everyone they met was someone his soulless-self had hurt or worse.

Sam's breath even out in sleep and Dean settles into the nearest chair watch over him and be ready if his little brother had any more nightmares.

Sam is standing in a dark corner and in front of him is something he never wanted to see again. He can hear the hell hounds and he watches as his younger self is forced to watch his brother being ripped apart. The pure terror and sadness on his young face makes tears come to his much older eyes. He sees his older brother trying to be brave and to not show just how scared he really was. Sam is filled with a sadness that is threatening to pull him back in to the black abyss he had gone to after watching this the first time. He never told his brother just how close he came to following his brother into hell.

Suddenly the scene fades and restarts at the beginning and he tries to close his eyes so he didn't have to watch it all again. However the pain filled screams and non-human noises coming from his brother make it just as bad as watching it. Tears run down his face as he prays to just wake up.

He watchs as Sam's eye's flutter and he moans as he starts to toss and turn. "Noooo De'n…" Dean furrows his brow, not really understanding what his brother is seeing "Don't goooo De'n"

"Come on Sammy… wake up for me" Dean says softly giving him a little shake.

"Noooo… De'n… don't go… not…. Hellll" He looks down at his brothers distressed face, tears gathering in his eyes and wonders yet again, what on earth his brother's pained mind was thinking about. "Sammy?"

It has been so long that he hadn't really thought about his time in hell in any great detail. More accurately he had trained his mind to not think about hell, buried it all in the deepest depths of his mind, unfortunately it was always a word away from flooding right back. The sounds, smells, the pain, all bubbling under the surface, keeping it buried so his brother never noticed.

He knows his brother had been though worse torture in Hell for a heck of a lot longer that he had, having two archangels as your bunk mates was exponentially worse than what he had experience, both on and off the rack but if anyone could understand, could sympathise or just listen, it would be him. It was just not something they ever wanted to share with anyone, much less each other, that experience. Dean hated watching his little brother walk around with that burden on his already heavy shoulders, maybe he had to share more of his own experience in Hell, maybe his own closed off, emotionally stunted manner, made Sam believe he couldn't share with him, that it was not the Winchester way. Well Dean was going to have to change that.

"Oh God De'n… I'm sorrrryy" Sam mumbles and tears gathering in the corners of his eyes like a storm and start running down his face, Dean can't wait any longer while his brother relives some horrible memoriy from his past.

"Sammy!, come on, wake up now… Sammy!" Dean shook his brother a little more harshly.

The youngest Winchester's eyes suddenly flew open with a broken off yell and he shoots up into a seated positon, arms flailing wilding, knocking Dean on his butt.

"Shit!" Dean exclaims as he lands hard, his hands taking the brunt of his weight, when he tried to brace his fall, a sharp pain running right up his arm.

"Dean?" Sam croakes out, his voice rough.

"Yeah Sam, it's me... who else would it be?" Dean says a little harshly as he cradles his hand.

"Sorry" Sam replied in that shattered little boy voice he only uses when he has no fight left in him and just takes his brothers words without complaint. Sam sits up a little more and puts his head in his hands, breathing deeply, trying to stop the shaking that he hopes his brother doesn't notice.

Dean watches his little brother and half loves him for not wanting to discuss his nightmare or hell in any detail and half hates that he is just giving up, because it means that whatever he had been dreaming about was worse than he could imagine. "No… I'm sorry Sammy" Dean puts his hand on his little brothers head and swipes his hand through the soft strands. "You scared the crap out of me" he states gently, still moving his hands in his hair.

Sam still hasn't lifted his head, he is still reeling from the scary as f$#k nightmare he just witnessed, little shudders running through his body. He knows it wasn't real, that whatever it was, was just his overactive imagination and his misfiring brain. He breaths out and tries to stop the tears but they start running from his eyes, blurring his vision without his consent. "Sorry" he mutters when his finally lifts his head and Dean is suddenly wrapping his arms around him and rubs his back smoothly in his big brother way.

"Hey… what's going on Sammy… what on earth happened" Dean asked more worried now than before.

"Sorry" Sam says again, not really knowing where to start.

"Stop Sammy… just stop apologising" Dean replies gently.

"That was… not… pleasant at all" Sam said whipping his eyes and moving away slightly.

"Yeah, I can tell.. you want to tell me what that was about?" Dean still didn't really want to talk about hell or be reminded of it but if Sam needed to talk about it then he would suck it up and just listen.

"Not really… I don't even know why I was seeing it… it was so long ago" Sam said looking away, hoping Dean would just put two and two together.

Dean was getting a clearer picture of what he had seen but he needed Sam to say it so he could try to move past it. "Doesn't matter how long ago it was Sammy… it's obviously still affecting you"

Sam looked at his brother then and marvelling at just how well his big brother knew him. "It's not something I'll ever forget Dean… it was one of the worst days of my life… seeing that" Sam's eyes were watering again so he looked away trying to get a handle on his emotions.

They both knew what the youngest Winchester was talking about, it was the elephant in the room and Dean was grateful that his little brother was only alluding to it. "I… I can only imagine… that whole situation… was hard, for both of us..." Dean stopped when Sam started talking over him.

"No! I'm not trying to compare myself to you Dean… what you went through… I don't… I just wanted to say that watching that, from the other side, was hard too" Sam tried to explain but Dean out his hand up to stop him.

"No Sam… I… look that whole thing… was tough…" Dean signed because really, that wasn't a big enough word for it. "and I know that when I came back, I wasn't all that happy with how you were spending your time… or who you spent it with… and after all these years, after everything, I understand… I do… I understand that it's just as hard on the ones left behind" Dean said shaking his head, wondering why had they hadn't talked about this, why they held on to these terrible things and let them stew and fester.

Sam was looking at him through the hair that had fallen over his face, reminding Dean of his innocent little brother who hadn't been tainted by evil or lies and destruction. "Really?" Sam asked sceptically.

"Yeah Sam, really… I've had a lot of time to think about it all" Dean replied not elaborating further.

Sam nodded, smiling a little, then he shook his head in confusion. His brother had always said that he forgave him, that he wanted a clean slate on the past and to move on, but Dean had thrown it all in Sam's face and blamed him for everything bad in their lives, when he had been free of his inhibitions. Sam had always been sensitive, he had always taken what people said about him, to heart and when his brother spouted on about his failures and his mistakes, he knew deep down that it was what his brother really believed.

"It's not a time that I'm proud of… in fact it's one of the many things I will regret for the rest of my life… As much as I had told myself that what I was doing was for the right reasons, that it didn't matter if I died as long as I made amends and killed Lilith… it didn't really work out though…" Sam still had his head down, his hands shaking like mad, tears falling down his face. Dean had forgotten just how much Sam carried his shame and guilt around with him every day.

"it's all in the past Sammy…" Dean replied moving his hand so he was touching his brothers head, giving him comfort "Do you want to tell me about what that was? You were knocked out and suddenly you're having this nightmare" Dean asked gently, with his hand moving to his brothers neck, giving his a small squeeze.

"I… I don't know…" Sam said, his hands moving to his face, wiping his nose, reminding his big brother of a much younger little brother "I blacked out and suddenly I was watching myself, watching you getting ripped apart. It was like it was a 3D movie or something… after… after you had died, the whole scene just reset and it started again" Sam replied, his brow furrowed like he couldn't figure something out.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Dean asked seeing the change.

"Why? Why would I see that? It wasn't a vision, it wasn't some spell… I don't understand?" Sam asked shaking his still fuzzy head slightly. He could feel a head ache coming on.

Dean didn't know what was going on but that look of worry and shock was not staying on his little brothers face. "Hey, maybe it's just one too many hits to the head?" he said with a small chuckle trying to lighten the mood. He hoped to god that he wasn't right.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 - Fool Me Twice - Dad

Since their last hunt ended with Sam dealing with a slight concussion and a migraine almost every day for a week, Sam has started to research head injuries and hallucinations without telling his brother. He had tried to recount all the times he had been hit in the head over all these years of hunting and if he was honest with himself, he did always seem to get some sort of head injury when they were hunting some monster. He didn't want to worry his brother until he had more information.

"Hey Sammy" Dean exclaimed as he walking in the bunker door with hot greasy burgers and drinks from the diner across the road. "What did you find?" He asked.

Sam looked back down as his laptop and clicked the mouse pad a few times trying to bring up the info on their latest hunt looking flustered.

Dean watched his brother on the laptop and notices how tired he looks, his eyes are red and his face blotchy. Not really wanting to get into it with Sam he decides that humour is the best way to break the tension. "You're a bit slow there Sammy... were you watching porn or something?"

"What? NO! I'm not like you Dean" Sam said defensively.

Dean chuckled to himself "Sure Sam… its always the quiet ones"

"Whatever, you child" Sam replied. He moved the laptop around so his brother could see it "Check this out" Sam explained what the news article was about and what his theories were as to what monster fits the profile.

"So every 20 years this thing pops up and starts taking girls?" Dean asks.

"Yeah, it looks that way" Sam says with a grim look on his face. He hated when kids were involved.

"We have 1 shot to get this right… unless you want to hunt this thing when your 50?" Dean asked slapping his brother on the back as he walked to the kitchen.

"I wonder why Dad never caught wind of this one… I don't remember seeing this in his journal" Sam asked thinking about the leather bound journal he had ready back to front multiple times.

"No, it wasn't, maybe someone else was looking after it but they didn't catch the guy before the cycle ended" Dean replied

"Maybe… well lets go then, the sooner we get there the sooner we can get this done" Sam said, standing up and grabbing his duffle and started putting his closes into the bag with practiced ease.

Three days later Dean is dragging his brother back to their motel room, who's holding an old t-shirt to his head trying to stop the bleeding. "I'm… fine Dean" Sam said with a groan. Dean shot him a look of disbelief.

"Sure… bleeding everywhere is perfectly normal!" Dean exclaimed angrily as he helped Sam sit at on one of the beds.

"I've had… worse man" Sam replied closing his eyes when he became dizzy.

"Oh, yeah, that makes me feel better…" Dean said frowning at his brother. "Do you not remember your weird space out/nightmare a week ago?" Dean asked as he removed the T-shirt from the head wound to get a better look at the damage. He decides It will need a few stiches, so he quickly moves over to his duffle and grabs the first aid kit, he walks back to his brother and starts getting out the needle and thread in preparation and when he realises his brother hasn't moved since he closed his eyes "Hey Sammy?" he asks giving him a shake, fear runs cold down his spine when he doesn't get an answer. "Sam!" he says a little louder and when there is no response he kicks the bed "Shit, not again".

In Sam's head he is suddenly confronted with Dean laying in a hospital bed and he and his father are arguing. He sighs sadly, knowing exactly what he is about to see "Shit… not again" he says and a voice echoes in his head. He blinks and he sees himself leave the room, he watches as his brother talks to their father and he feels a little jealousy creep over him, they always had a stronger relationship, one built on respect and familiarity. He and his father never had a proper, adult conversation that didn't end in a screaming match or a slammed door. He is suddenly sad as he sees his father lean over to whispers in his brothers ear. Sam remembers what those whispered words did to their relationship, how it almost broke them.

When his younger self walks back in the room with a coffee and everything goes into slow motion, his younger self falls to the floor, yelling for help, tears in his eyes, he sees his father laying on the ground and he knows he is already gone. That he will never have another chance to talk to his father, to fix their relationship, to say how sorry he is. Sam hates having to watch his younger self go through that again, the pain he had felt, the guilt he has carried with him for all these years.

Sam looks away from the scene as it restarts and he wishes not for the first time that he would just wake up so this torture would end. He feels weightless for a moment and just when he thinks he was going to fall into nothingness he hears a voice echo all around him "it's your fault"

Dean is pacing in the middle of the room as his brother moans and thrashes on the bed. He growls as he turns to walk back the other way. He hates not being able to do anything, he can kill anything, he can fix anything but not this, all he can do is wait.

Just as he turns again to make his way back, his brothers breathing changes and he gasps awake, eyes wide in fear "Sammy?"

"What?, where am I?" Sam asks in a voice scratchy from sleep.

"You had another episode Sam.. are you ok?" Dean replied concerned.

Sam sighed and shook his aching head "It was… it was Dad… I saw Dad… when he died" Sam replied shakily, not really wanting to go into it again. It was yet another thing that had almost broken them apart.

"Oh… well umm" Dean replied sadly, not really knowing what to say to that.

"Yeah… that was fun… I don't understand why this is happening?" Sam asks frustrated

"I don't know… you haven't pissed of anyone lately have you?" Dean asks sarcastically.

Ignoring his brothers snarky way his brother said it, Sam contemplates the question. Had he pissed anyone off lately? 'it's like all I see when I'm having these… whatever they are… all I'm seeing are my failures" Sam says thinking

"What? Sam, no… you didn't fail… Dad… Dad's death wasn't your fault… if it was anyone's, it was mine" Dean was not going to take his little brother blaming himself.

"No, Dean… I'm not trying to play the blame game… but… I've always felt guilty about what happened… I shouldn't have picked a fight… and he'll never know… he'll never know how sorry I am… about everything" Sam's eyes filled with tears. "I never got to say goodbye" Sam put his face in this hands let out a shaky breath as he started to cry.

It's a release that he hasn't had the time or privilege of having, since it all went down and they both had to just keep themselves from drowning through crisis after crisis, in order to survive.

"Sammy… I'm sure Dad knew that already… he… Dad just never understood you… but he loved you and he really was proud of you" Dean said soothingly, he rubbed his brothers shoulder in comfort.

Sniffing Sam raised his head and wiped his face "Right Dean I know he was disappointed, I know he wanted me to be more like you, he wanted me to stay and fight for Mum… but I just couldn't do it… it was never just about me living a normal life… I would have nightmares about you and Dad dying, I would get anxiety and I wasn't sleeping, or eating… I had to get out of there or it would've eventually killed me" Sam said, feeling a weight come off his chest.

Dean sighed and looked away from his brother, he had never thought of the whole situation like that, his father had just said Sam had abandon them, that he was selfish and Dean had just gone along with that. He never thought or noticed that maybe the hunting life was slowing killing his little brother. He had actually seen it since Sam had come back into the family business, at certain times, times of stress that Sam didn't look after himself, he didn't sleep, he didn't eat, he kept pushing himself and slowly withered away.

"I never knew any of that… maybe I just wasn't paying attention…" Dean said softly "Dad just told me that you were leaving us and I was so shocked and hurt that I just took his side… obviously now I know how you felt back then… Dad was certainly not father of the year" Dean thought about his little brother back then and his heart ached for the scrawny, shy and awkward boy who only wanted to fit in but never felt good enough. "I'm sorry I never noticed how much you were struggling… I was a little caught up in myself and my life as a hunter" Dean felt renewed guilt flowed over him. "You should have been my first priority"

"No Dean, it wasn't… or shouldn't have been _your_ responsibility… we were slowly growing apart anyway, you had hunting and I had school. We were so different back then… I really don't blame you for not paying attention Dean" Sam said in a soft pained voice, like he remembered how lonely he felt back then.

Dean shook his head, his brother was letting him off the hook but the big brother in him wanted to feel guilty. He looked up at his brother and was struck by the sheer guilt and defeat on his little brothers face, like he had always known his place and he was lucky that his brother tolerated his presence. "No… Sam, I'm not letting you take all of that, I'm not going to let myself of the hook for not being there for you when you needed me... even Dad. You are not to blame…"

"Dad knew" Sam said really softly

"What? What do you mean Dad knew… he didn't… when you showed us your letter, that was the first we had ever heard of it Sam"

No, Dad knew… he saw the letter before me... he confronted me when I got home from school… he had sent you away and wanted to talk to me… one on one" Sam said the last part with an edge to his voice that Dean didn't like.

"What do you mean… one on one?" Dean asked, feeling dread settle in his stomach.

"It means what you think it means Dean… you know Dads temper… he wasn't happy and he made sure I knew it" Sam said looking down at his shaking hands.

Dean was half shocked by his brothers statement and half not all that shocked at all. Their father had a temper and wasn't shy with letting you know it. Dean however thought he had sheltered his little brother from that type of discipline. "I'm sorry Sam" Dean said without thinking.

"What? Why?" Sam asked.

"I should have been there… stopped him… something" Dean didn't really know what he would have done but she should have done something.

"I know you would take the brunt of Dads… unhappiness Dean… but you couldn't be there all the time" Sam replied.

"How come I didn't notice?" Dean asked trying to remember if his brother was moving slower or had any extra bruises back then.

"He… it was on my back… he… used his belt" Sam replied in a small and soft voice, like he wanted to protect his younger self and what he had been though.

"Shit" Dean replied more to himself that to Sam.

"He'd done it before Dean… you know that. He didn't want anyone to see bruises and start asking questions" Sam replied reassuringly.

"I know that Sam… Dad was very skilled at that" He said sarcastically. "I never wanted that for you"

"Yeah… I fought back though… I wasn't going to take it without a fight… Do you remember that black eye he had?" Sam asked smugly.

Dean smirked at that, his brother was not one to just take what his Father dished out without some sort of fight. It felt good to know that he at least got one good shot in before the beating. "Oh yeah… it was black for days… he said it was a misunderstanding with another hunter"

"Right… it couldn't have been me… not his lanky, awkward son who was never good enough… " Sam said with residual anger and resentment "Most people would have been proud… I got a full ride to Stanford… do you know how hard that was, for our lifestyle" Sam looked away, the feeling of abandonment he had felt back then was always right there whenever he spoke about it.

"Well I can't speak for Dad but… I was proud of you" Dean said and stopped when Sam scoffed at that "No I was, after a week or so, I got over myself and my anger about it all and I realised what it was that you actually achieved… I mean, you got into an ivy league college, while travelling around, going from school to school, while helping out with research and hunting… I was SO proud of you" Dean said passionately.

Sam swallowed the lump in his throat and bit his bottom lip to stop it from quivering. He hadn't realised just how much he had wanted to hear that until Dean was saying the words. "It was my little way of being independent… I had to finish everything Dad asked of me before I could even touch my homework… he would get so mad… I know you helped with that… so I'm… I'm really grateful… thank you" Sam said in that small voice he had when he was feeling a little sorry for himself.

"Hey man, it's… I kind of feel like I should have said all that back then… maybe things could have been different" Dean replied sincerely.

Sam sighed and looked away, he and his brother were both blaming themselves and not allowing the other to take the blame. Is was a never ending cycle for them, one of these days they would have to just accept they were perpetually either to blame or not and move past it. "Can we just… I don't want to have a fight about who did what, who's to blame for this or that… I just… this was nice, talking to you about this. I've wanted to… but talking about our feelings have never really been a Winchester thing" Same said the last part making the quote signal with his fingers.

Dean shook his head and realised not for the first time they had lived a very sequestered life, that they were never fortunate enough to enjoy the social norms and niceties that everyone else too for granted. "Well I don't want that Sam… I want you to tell me anything, thoughts, feelings, dreams… whatever" Dean saw his brothers eyebrows shoot up on shock "I know it's not normal for us… but we should change that"

Sam smiled a little and looked away. He could always count on Dean to say the right thing and make him feel better. "Yeah Dean.. I'd like that" Sam replied and hoped whatever happened next, that they would stay strong, and only get stronger.

TBC


End file.
